I was living in a state of loneliness, darkness, hopelessness and slavery. Misery was my best friend. I had shut out everyone in my life and didn’t even realize it. The only thing that ever went across my mind was my next high and how I would get it. Who was I going to lie to, rob, or manipulate in order to get my next fix? That obsession had taken over my whole mind and my whole being. It was a vicious cycle and every fix fed to it—it only grew worse. My pride wouldn’t let me ask for help and the fear of defeat overwhelmed me. I had been on the worst binge of my life and had put my hands on every single immediate family member of mine and didn’t even realize it was me that I was tired of. My family told me I was not allowed back into their home and I had nowhere to go. I was living in the streets and was so scared and had so much paranoia that I thought people were trying to kill me. I ended up in jail (just a month after being released from prison) when I called the cops on myself saying, “They were coming to kill me”. I had no idea who they were—I just know that it was my desperate call for help. I got arrested on the counts of public intoxication and resisting arrest.
When I first got there substances were offered to me and I remember thinking it was a set-up. I was so special everyone was watching me! That was the moment I knew everything would be okay. For the first time in my life I was able to say no to drugs and felt good about it. I slept for about two weeks, only waking up to eat meals and shower a couple times a week. Once I was able to wake up and be semi-coherent, I was hearing about God and recovery. I had tried everything else in my life to not use drugs and nothing had worked. I knew I had to give God a try, He was my last resort. Funny how He works, a woman told me about Seeds of Hope and how they went on camping trips and my son could come. I cried and felt so much hope from her testimony and immediately Seeds of Hope touched my heart. After 38 days, I was released and immediately called Seeds of Hope.
I had to go stay in a hotel room with my dad the first night of my release and all I had was the outfit on my back and one other outfit my father had bought me from Goodwill. I can remember being scared of what was going to happen the next morning when I got to Seeds of Hope. I went in for my interview and the lady told me to go get my belongings and I had been accepted. I went out to my dad crying tears of happiness; I knew this day would change my life forever (and it did). I was so confused being in the real world and even how to wake up, make my bed, and take a shower. I learned quickly. Seeds of Hope put structure and daily routine into my life. I also learned accountability, something I was never open to, but the thing I needed the most. I went out and got a job and a sponsor. I did everything that Seeds of Hope asked and required of me and I didn’t argue with any of it. I knew these women were having me do what they asked of me for a valid reason and out of love. I stayed in contact with my sponsor every day and have grown to build the first true relationship with another human being and putting my trust in her care. I have built an amazing relationship with God and live in His will. I have grown to become loving, patient, tolerant, understanding, and compassionate. I am humble today and can ask for help, and I am open-minded to suggestions.
I now have a better paying job, a home of my own with my son living with me, a vehicle, and a daily reprieve from alcohol and drugs. I am welcomed into my family’s home, and I am trusted and given responsibilities. I can admit my faults and better them today. I know how to pay bills today with my hard earned money and I can appreciate everything in my life. I have learned that the things I never valued are what I need most in my life. I am a productive citizen with a positive outlook on life and I am full of hope. I am truly grateful for the blessings I have received from walking through the doors of Seeds of Hope!